Archive for the ‘Musings and Rants’ Category


Some thoughts on television

March 15, 2007

I can’t really justify the fact that I like Scrubs. I dislike basically all of the major actors, for a wide variety of reasons. In fact, there’s not a person in the world whom I would rather punch in the crotch than Zach Braff, just to see if he could maintain that smarmy half-smirk while writhing on the ground grasping for breath. Donald Faison officially wins the award for whitest black stereotype, clinched by the fact that he even knows who the hell Zach Braff is. Sarah Chalke is probably the hottest girl I’ve ever had no attraction towards, and Judith Reyes (Carla) once starred in a Frank Rojas movie.*

* I feel like this is as good a time as any to discuss Frank Rojas. He was the guidance counselor at my high school, i.e., the only Hispanic person not working in the cafeteria. He had all the interpersonal skills of pitbull with its penis caught in a bear trap. I’d like to think of myself as a relatively funny guy – nothing, however, that I could make up could beat his own words. E.g.-

FR: So what wit’ this problem wit Ms. Singh?

X: Nothing. It was just a ridiculous comment.

FR: Is it a race issue? Is it because she’s white?

X: She’s not white. She’s Indian.

FR: Are you sure it’s not because she’s white? You gotta be realer than that. I know exactly what’s going on here, because I’m not white either. We’re like the same, you know.

X: I’m going to kill one of us. And the odds aren’t in your favor.

FR: Be realer than that.

I might have paraphrased this conversation, but the point still remains – I’m not a Frank Rojas fan, and I can’t really like any actress who would star in a movie he directed. Tangent over.

Even the breakout actor, John McGinley (Dr. Cox) chews up scenery like Jeremy Piven on a coke bender. It probably says something about the quality of the other actors that their even able to remain mildly visible during his over the top rants, but I refuse to give them compliments. That being said, I enjoy his obviously scripted tirades.

Not only do I not like the actors, I find the characters annoying one-dimensional. Still, the show manages to make me laugh and keep me interested with witty banter and self-referential dialogue. More than any other show on the air, I find myself enjoying the quality of the writing despite the annoyingness of the actors delivering it.

Oh, and if you have a weekend with friends, or whatever, check out Coupling. In a lot of ways, it’s a slightly more adult version of friends, with more ridiculous plotlines, dirtier jokes, and a far more compelling character (Geoff Murdoch) than any of the Friends characters.


Is it warm in here?

March 9, 2007

God may be perfect in a lot of ways…but he can’t have been that good in bed. I mean, Mary didn’t even feel it. Which means that either he is just an awful lover, or drugged her. Qualities that he must have passed on; Jesus was getting so many girls pass-out drunk that he had to start turning water into wine. Least he was well-hung though.


I find this amusing.

March 7, 2007

The only search term that yielded my a click on my blog today was “professional fluffers.” I desperately wish I could have made that up.


more monumentally meaningless musings

February 28, 2007

If you’re not going to fly by the seat of your pants, sit down.

People use the word “ironically” indiscriminately. It’s kind of infuriating. Just because you have no other way of describing a situation doesn’t make it ironic. It’s not “ironic” that you and your best friend Cindy Sue Generic both wore the same dress. It is, however, something that I will never be interested in.

If you don’t have enough material to address, skirt the issue.

Sadly, large corporations do a great job of approximating what music I should be listening to. Seriously. I quite often find myself enjoying music about as soon as it becomes popular. Examples include Panic! at the Disco, Modest Mouse, and Gym Class Heroes. The only thing that I legitimately discover for myself is underground and battle rap. Basically, what I’m saying is that I like my pop popular.

From writer’s block, I sculpt brilliance. Actually, I don’t but I thought that sounded kind of cool.

The devil’s job must be really easy if idle hands can do his work. I’m sending my resume.

I hope my life has a surprise twist ending.

On second thought…


quick hitters

February 25, 2007

I tried to recreate the Knicks roster in NBA Live, and I got a message I’d never seen before. It just said, “No. This is a video game, but even we have our limits.”

To the girl wearing the green dress, black tights, and tan Uggs – I’m calling you out. Stop it.

People, please stop saying “literally”, when you in fact mean figuratively. You did not “literally” die when you saw what Carman was wearing to the Sigma semi-formal. You figuratively did. You’re “literally” an idiot.

The parts “compose” the whole. The whole “comprises” the parts. Stop using them interchangeably, or risk losing my respect. You’ve been warned.

Demetri Martin is good. Very good. One of my favorite of his jokes: “My computer beat me at chess. But then I beat him at kickboxing.”

I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a mime.

Dear white guy on the subway. No I will not sell you weed. Dear black guy on the subway. No I will not sell you weed. Dear ambiguously ethnic guy, who might be like, half samoan or something-no, I will not sell you weed.

Hip hop fans – don’t sleep on Joe Budden. That’s all I’ll say about that.

Smoove out.


who doesn’t love a quickie?

February 24, 2007

I’m just going to put this out there; anybody worse dressed than I am is a slob, and anybody better dressed is either gay or laughably vain. But probably gay.


The Gift That Only Gives Once

February 17, 2007

Recently, i logged onto the InterWeb, as i do quite often. One hour and seven orgasms later, I was ready to check my facebook. I was reserved, but hopeful. Facebook had given me so much recently, I dared not ask for more, though I could not help but be spoiled. What would they think of next? Extending invitations to those currently in jail? Placing cameras directly in my bedroom to more accurately relay my goings-on to the newsfeed? Add a new relationship status, Doesn’t Really Want Everybody on Facebook to Know S/he’s Hooking Up With? What I found made those suggestions seem like drunken ramblings. Facebook had introduced, *drumroll, please* – the virtual gift. Ah, yes. A virtual HAHA to those that thought that pointless internet semiflirtation could go no further than the passe Poke. And, in their infinite bounty, they bequethed upon us loyal subjects one free gift each. When I saw this, I immediately had orgasms eight through twelve, all at once. It was a rough day for Kleenex, indeed. But what were these “gifts”, these hallowed treasures? The answer will shock and delight you. They were no useless knickknacks – Facebook would never be so gauche. No, these were pictures of useless knickknacks, portraits of gifts that if you actually got, you would scoff at and before demanding a gift whose value isn’t determined in Chuck E. Cheese tickets. But these snapshots had something those real ones could never have – they were needlessly public. Everybody could see that your favorite galpal had thought it cute to give you a picture of a oil covered bear holding a box of puppy hearts. But more importantly, everybody could see that not only had you gotten no gifts, you were using your status to shamelessly beg whoever was reading it to go through the daunting task of clicking a mouse several times. Human that I am, I thought to question my good fortune – why had we been blessed so? And then it hit me. Valentines Day. What more perfect way to commemorate this most meaningful and heartful of traditions but with yet another oppurtunity for a meaningful and heartful gesture? And in that noble spirit, I, Xavier Holland, promise my Facebook gift to whomever comments on this first. Me and my Kleenex will be waiting anxiously.