Quickleberry Pie

May 2, 2007

I really hope that Harry Potter dies on page three of the last book, and the rest of the book is just devoted to whatever mundane things J.K. Rowling happens to see on her way to the publisher. It would pretty much be the greatest prank in the history of literature, and would introduce millions of children worldwide to the oh-so frequent anticlimax. The  only thing that might be better than this if it ends off not just on a cliffhanger, but in the middl

I think the most embarrassing part about having poor eyesight but never wearing glasses or contacts is that whenever I see people waving in my direction, I can never tell if they’re actually waving at me. This often leads to two things:

1. I completely ignore somebody who is trying to be friendly, thereby increasing indefinitely the number of people who think I’m an asshole.

2. I give a ridiculous half-wave and stammer to somebody I don’t know, thereby increasing indefinitely the number of people who think I’m retarded.

If you are on The View, you do not get to discuss politics.  Hearing Rosie O’Donnell squawk about things she knows absolutely nothing about is about as frustrating as an anorgasmic man on Scripps (semi-inside joke for my feministas).  The conversation basically went like this:

Blonde viewlady: I’m not saying killing civilians is right, I just think that the war on terror is connected with the war in Iraq.

Rosie:  The war is completely wrong! That is a FACT!

BV: Well, you haven’t established your case.

Rosie: I just said it was a FACT! I WIN! Our troops are dying, and the only reason they are there is because they need an education. That’s the only reason anybody joins the army.

BV: I actually know people personally who joined it because they believed in the mission.


At this point Rosie O’Donnell bit clean through the blonde view-lady’s jugular and dragged her backstage where she devoured her whole with a glass of lemon-lime Shasta and half of a cheesecake. The camera’s obviously couldn’t show this, but I know what’s going down when R O’D gets that gleam in her eye.

Not being 21, I’ve never had any alcohol. But if I were going to recommend a drink for somebody of legal age, it would have to be Peach Schnapps and iced tea. It goes well with a couple of Midol and a set of ovaries.


One comment

  1. I have excellent eyesight and the waving thing happens to me all the time. for the rowling part, at first i thought it was a typo when you stopped in the middl
    and then i got it and i laughed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: