For the Ladies

April 18, 2007

Equal power between the sexes is a sham. Oh sure, men might get better jobs and get paid more, but that means quite little when you realize that they only go to those jobs and make that money to impress women. Unless they’re gay, in which case they have to get good jobs to combat the ever-rising costs of appletinis and Astroglide. By now, obviously, that observation is a bit trite, and I don’t make it to send you into little convulsions of laughter, but rather as a segue to helping the ladies harness that power.

I was under the impression that it was easy for girls to get guys, at least in a physical capacity.  I assumed the process went something along the lines of letting it be known that you in fact, were possessed of a vagina, and that the guys then flocked like oh so many seagulls(because it’s a well-known fact that seagulls LOVE vagina). I knew that it was a little bit harder to actually get a relationship, especially at college age, but I assumed that was what fake pregnancies were for. Apparently, however, some girls don’t know how to get guys into bed short of shameless desperation. Lucky for them, I’m here to help. Here are a couple of tried and true tricks that will let you get all you want without crying shamefully in the mirror the next morning (because seriously, I can hear you, and it’s freaking me out a little bit):

The ‘Ol Movie Trick: 75% of the battle is getting into position for a tactical strike. The other 25% is using awkward metaphors and random statistics. Every guy worth his salt (and who isn’t worth their weight in salt these days?) knows that the offer to watch a movie is helpful trick. First and foremost, it can help get the two of you alone, which can be otherwise a little sticky. Secondly, it can help get the lighting down to a point where it’s easy to ignore each other’s imperfections. Finally, especially if the movie was well-chosen, it means that there’s no burden of conversation until you actually have something witty to say.

Now, to my girlies, you can use this trick too, and not be slutty! If you invite a guy back for a movie, he’s going to see through you. But if you mention a couple of movies you like throughout the course of the night (bonus points if you already know he has them), eventually he’ll get the idea. Then, you can seal the deal with an oh-so subtle, “I don’t even really feel like being out tonight, but my friends dragged me.” If he takes the hint and invites you back for a movie, you’re golden. If not, well then you haven’t  lost anything because you haven’t really put yourself on the line. Oh, and you’re probably unattractive. Uh, work on that.

The “Me, Sexy”?: This trick is particularly for those girls who complain that guys only think of them as friends no matter what they do: “I’ve tried playing Warcraft, I joined the football team, I even tried wearing nothing but flannel shirts and jeans, but no matter what I do, he still thinks of me as only a friend!! Help!!”. Being friends with guys is a great thing, but every once in a while you have to remind them that you’re still a girl, at least if you want them to want to sleep with you. There are a couple very easy ways of doing this. One is to invest in a modest-yet revealing bathrobe, and wear it so it accents your best features. Got massive cottage-cheese thighs? Wear a long one that shows a little cleavage instead. Got the chest of a fourteen year old corpse? Try a short robe that shows off those lovely legs. Generally fat and unattractive? Try a burquua.

Now, it might make you uncomfortable to wear this robe everywhere. And more importantly, it would make me uncomfortable. All you have to do is wear it at the opportune time. Say, for example, a bunch of your guy friends are picking you up from your room for a rousing game of Dance Dance Revolution. Try opening the door wearing the robe, because you “didn’t realize they were going to be here so soon”. At that point you can immediately change into your coveralls and still have a decent chance of being masturbatory fodder for at least one of them. It only take a brief moment to change your image into something sexy, at which point you can let their imagination do the rest.

The “Long Day” Massage: This one is admittedly a little over the top, but effective nonetheless. As you might have expected, at some point you complain of tenseness in your back and wait for the inevitable massage offer.  The key to this trick is how you accept or decline the offer. If the offer comes from somebody from whom you do not want a massage, all you have to do is complain of ticklishness. If it comes from that strapping young gentleman with whom you do want to engage in heavy petting, look surprised, as if the thought hadn’t crossed your mind, and acquiesce somewhat reluctantly, as not to appear immodest: “Oh, really? A massage? Well, I guess I could really use one. Why not?”

During the massage, make pseudo-sexual noises and/or faces, while looking embarrassed. Nobody’s asking to be Jenna Jameson, but even catching your breath once or twice will associate the massage with sex in the guy’s mind, and your job is essentially done.

The Body Control: This one is probably the simplest but requires the most commitment. Essentially, it requires participating in an activity that has a secondary association with sex. Try taking Pilates, or a dancing or yoga class.  For best results, I suggest a “how to be good at sex” class. The only professor that teaches it is on sabbatical, but I’d be more than happy to meet you and go over the notes from last semester. If, you, know, you wanted to.

Now, all of the above are for that young woman who wishes to engage in some sort of physical relations with the gentleman. But what of those who wish for nothing more than a walk in the park filled with hand-holding and shy smiles? And dating, and romance? Stop being such a prude. If you don’t have sex with any guy who asks, none of them are going to like you, and you’re going to be ostracized.  What if your mom were as prudish as you? You wouldn’t even be here.

On a more serious note, if you want to date a guy, just date him. It’s a little ridiculous to wait for him to woo you with flowers and romance, especially in college, but there are plenty of interesting things happening all the time. It needn’t be dinner and a movie, it could be  nothing more than bored people going for a milkshake. Or to a play that one of your friends is in. Or to an improv show. Go out with a guy a couple of times, and if you should actually be dating seriously, it will eventually will come up. If there isn’t a spark, you shouldn’t be romantically involved, but at least you now have a friend who you can stand to be around in a one-on-one context.

This article was really funny, but was hopefully at least a little bit helpful to someone. Tune in next time for more pointless things!


One comment

  1. “Generally fat and unattractive? Try a burquua.”

    I’m gonna walk around in a burquua (burqua? burka? burhka?) now.

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