April 15, 2007

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but this is my blog and I DO WHAT I WANNA. Now that that’s out of the way, a few things I’ve been thinking about:

>Those of you that follow professional basketball probably know of this team, the Golden State Warriors. Now I’ve been thinking, and this is the only team that I can think of that’s not from a real place. I know California is the “Golden State”, but seriously, what the fuck? Are nicknames now fair game for sports franchises? Is the day approaching were I can watch the Big Apple Knicks take on the Sin City Venereal Diseases? And why stop at pre-established nicknames – under Golden State’s renegade example, we could have the Magical Fairyland Jazz, and nobody would know where the hell to go. I’m just saying. Enough is enough.

>Dear Michael Ian Black,

We get it. You’re clever and snarky. You don’t need to have that smug little grin of yours everytime VH1 tosses you a warm cup of coffee to come up with your witty little one liners. I can just see you alone at home, making snide little asides about your breakfast cereal to your cat and then looking around for a camera. Please don’t take this the wrong way – you’re not yet in Zach Braff’s (read: crotch-kicking) category. But enough, as always, is enough.



> I vote yes on orange juice. I find it to be TANGY AND REFRESHING.

> I managed to score an early headline from the end of the 2007 baseball season: Alex Rodriguez finishes disappointing first in MVP balloting.

>Dear girl in front of me in line for brunch,

I am overjoyed that you took Spanish in high school. I fully believe that you got a 4 on the AP-kudos! But the entire line could do without your trying to stammer out your omelette order in broken Spanish just to appear culturally sensitive. When the very competent chef asks if you would like cheese, feel more than free to politely nod and even say yes. Or no, if you do not wish to have cheese on your omelette. There’s no need for you to take a minute and a half to get out “No quezo, no, is that queso? Pour fabor.” And God help you if you should try to engage in small talk in Spanish; your accent is comparable to a drunk dolphin with a mouthful of crunchy peanut butter. And the dolphin much prefers creamy, but the store was out, and she really wanted a peanut butter sandwich, so she got crunchy, and then realized that there is no substitute, and she should have just gotten a taco instead. THAT’S what your accent reminds me of. Nice Uggs though.


Scowling black male behind you.

P.S. When I said “nice Uggs”, I meant “not-nice Uggs.” I’m tricksy.

>Why is it that every stoner is immediately a chemist when it comes to smoking? I know a bunch of people who barely passed high school chemistry, but as soon as smoke is involved, they know fifteen different reactions that happen in the body and how to manipulate all of them to get the best high. And their newfound savantesse, (yes, you’ve just witnessed the birth of a word. Congrats!) isn’t limited to chemistry. All of a sudden, they’re chefs, carpenters (honestly, I’ve seen stoners who couldn’t even find a woodshop class build bongs out of acorns and twine) and philosophers. Perhaps rather than teaching against marijuana, teachers should teach through marijuana. Board of Ed, you can thank me later.


One comment

  1. Yay! I witnessed a the miracle of natural word-birth. Truely, this will change the very way I see life. How can I continue to be pro-choice in the matters of verbum-abortion after this event?

    Citizen X, you have changed me. I am now PRO-VERBUM!

    P.S. I don’t know what I was thinking so don’t ask.

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