Archive for January, 2007

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It’s a Horse.

January 30, 2007

I was on espn.com just read this: Barbaro’s Death Transcends Sports

Are you kidding me? This is more ridiculous than the people who sent handwritten notes to the horse, knowing that he has poor eyesight and much prefers typeface. But for a columnist for a website that’s respected as highly as espn.com to pretend that Barbaro is more than an animal is hypocritcal. I don’t see anybody sending a bunch of letters to glue factories or dog food plants, or my uncles house, where horses are killed with great regularity. Saying that Barbaro’s death is important because he was famous is akin to saying that horses only matter when they’re fast. And while that may or may not be true from a selfish standpoint, it’s kind of disheartening to see a piece like this, one which i suspect is the first of many, on page 1.

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I Could Pull off Skinny Jeans

January 30, 2007

Intro: Are you sick of being judged based solely on your intelligence, looks, clothing, money, ambition, personality, taste, loyalty or charisma? Do you long to judged only for the slendeness of your pant-leg? Me too, friend. Me too.

Chorus:

Well, makeup is cheaper than plastic surgery

And scene girls are cheaper than whores

Hot Topic is cheaper than A & F

And all they listen to anyway is the chorus

Yeah, I picked up the latest Bright Eyes album

I hadn’t realized I was do depressed

Nothing to do now except go buy the skinniest jeans

‘cuz there’s nothing like slender denim when you’re stressed

And I’ve been watching the AFI video

“Cuz I’m edgy and different from the rest

I just hope my all the guys at their next sold out concert

Will hear all about it and be super impressed

Chorus

And being in a band isn’t so awfully hard

All you need is the right hair and a friend who has seven months on guitar

A shy kid with a drumset, any one will do

College? Skinny jeans are what will really take you far

Sick of “One night in Paris?” try one night with Franz

So what if the cool kids all have nicer cars?

They’ll be playing your music on their speakers one day

When your skinny jeans make you into an overnight star

Chorus

Now, when I go home and get into bed, I can be the man of my dreams

I just take off my Bravery t-shirt and pull off my skinny jeans

Outro: Brought to you by Fall Out Boy, and Levi…

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high speed internet

January 30, 2007

in a moment

there is time for a lifetime of ideas

about progress, and the progress of ideas

and the regression of both

there is time enough for emotion

e-motion, they call it nowadays

for the art of seduction

and the seductive, alluring quality that art has

even at low resolutions

there is a click – tick? – enough for talking

big picture

small screen

life contained in a space smaller than the average fish tank

fish have no morals.

there is even time for the hesitant whine of uncertainty

the moment of not-quite-sure

the imperceptible sigh of relief

time enough in the moment it used to take to write a word

in an old fountain pen

mind not to drip!

to download an entire book

but mostly there are Naked Ladies.

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stand up

January 30, 2007

I just figured out how to get back into this blog, so I’m going to post a bunch of stuff pretty soon. This standup is kind of a work in progress.

Alright, how are you guys feeling. By a round of complete silence, how are you guys? Excellent, this is going to be a good show. I’m a lazy guy. What can I say. I’m not ashamed. Most of the progress in the world was made by people who were probably lazy. Take fire. Fire was probably discovered by some lazy caveman who didn’t want to freeze to death, but wasn’t willing to get up and go inside his cave. The wheel was definitely a lazy person. “I want to move…but, I don’t want to stand up.” Religion? Had to be a lazy person. Some lazy guy must have thought, “I want to take advantage of and rob people, but I only want to work once a week…” Everything is lazy people. Porno magazines. Invented by a person who was too lazy to even come up with his own fantasies. Some other guy took it further. He invented the Internet. That’s the height of laziness. “I know I don’t have a job, or a girlfriend, or a car, but fuck turning pages. You know whose not lazy? Terrorists. Lazy people are never terrorists. They’re never serial killers either. Or stalkers. Like those pedophiles who stalk the little children? Stalking takes work. It’s tough to find the perfect twelve year old to stalk. You have to wait outside schools, ice cream parlors. You have to make up elaborate lies just to get around the kids…you have to waste valuable time and money building a fucking Neverland Ranch. Actually, it used to be difficult. Now they even made that easy. There’s a group, most of you have probably heard of it. The North American Man Boy Love Association, or as it’s known for short, uh, Myspace.

I’m in favor though. You hear all these coaches and commercials and announcers talking about separating the men from the boys. I think it’s good that finally there’s a website that brings them back together. I don’t want you to think that Myspace is just for 35 year old men to find young boys to stalk. There are plenty of girls on Myspace too. It’s got everything a weirdo could want. It’s like a WalMart for pedophiles. Even better. They don’t even have to leave their houses anymore. It’s fucked up when you can even pedophiles can do their shopping online. You can get good jobs being lazy. The best jobs, in fact. Look at a lot of high-paying, high profile jobs. CEO’s, entertainers – they work like eight or nine months a year. Hell, some of the best jobs work only three or four months sometimes – actors,…athletes…presidents. The one thing guys still had to work for was getting girls, and now Facebook made that easy too. All you have to do now is type in Scripps, and most of the work is done. Now I’m not saying that all Scrippers are easy, just, you know, the girls.

I can’t make these sorts of jokes anymore though, I have a girlfriend, have had one for a while now. Things kinda slow down after a while the fire is gone. You know the fire is gone when your girlfriend catches you cheating, and rather than being mad, she’s just relieved she had a night off. But we go out sometimes though, to little restaurants. I call her up and suggest we go to this or that place, then maybe back to my room to “hook-up”. But she complains sometimes, as everybody does. But one time it was just ridiculous. She just went off once. So one time she says, “I don’t know, the service is terrible, the menu is unappetizing, and the portions are tiny.” So I tell her, it’s fine we can go to a different restaurant. She says, “ no, the restaurant is fine, I was talking about the hookup”. And I wasn’t even insulted, because it meant I had the night off. That’s how lazy I am.

I have had jobs before though, I’m not entirely lazy. I used to babysit. But even that I kind of half-assed. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really pay that close attention. Once I was holding the kid when I went in the kitchen for a drink, and wound up getting mixed up. Yeah, I wound up vigorously shaking the kid, and molesting the orange juice. It was ok, though, we both wound up fine and ended up taking a nap. Although, now that I think about it, we probably should have put our clothes back on before his parents got back. It was a good nap though. I’m a big fan of the nap. But sometimes it’s not appropriate. Like during class, or meetings, or funerals, or sex. I took a nap during sex once. But hey, in my defense, she had already been sleeping for an hour. I know what some of you are thinking: wow, an hour, that’s not bad, at least he’s got more stamina than I expected. What I failed to mention was that 55 of those minutes were spent trying to unclasp her bra. I guess I’m just more used to training bras. She didn’t wake up at all though, which is kind of a miracle. What can I say. She needed the sleep. The combination of schoolwork, and extracurriculars, and dating me, and roofies…Some of you saw that joke coming. That’s because some of you have woken up at CMC before. Date rape is serious though, it’s not a joking topic. Girls, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistically speaking, both of those people will date rape you within the next six months. The only way to avoid a possible date rape charge is to get the appropriate form signed and faxed to the Office of Campus Intergendered Affairs for approval within five minutes of hooking up. That, or letting me watch. I’m not trying to influence you to do one or the other, but the Office of Campus Intergendered Affairs doesn’t actually exist. I know what you guys are thinking; where are all of my faxes going then? They’re all going to Tom from Myspace.