Archive for June, 2006



June 2, 2006

Winter in Eden

Glittering like a prizewinning drag queen,

The ground shifted restlessly under their feet,

the twin imprints still visible.

Silence waited uneasily to leave,

overstaying her welcome

but not knowing where the exit was

There were no more heavy breaths, no more moans

And the sweet nothings were now just


The crisp sound of the first bite into an apple

wasn’t in the air.

Birds weren’t singing anymore

Even the insects had ceased their persistent clicks and scuffles

Finally, piercing the silence, a static-y noise

A throat clearing.

“Adam, I don’t think this is going to work out.”



June 2, 2006

Under the Bed with Xavier Holland

Hi, I’m amateur magician Xavier Holland. I’ve bribed Andrea Ravich into letting me write this week’s column. I don’t want to get into the sordid details of how exactly I managed that, but let’s just say that several small children are reporting missing Powerpuff Girls lunchboxes to the Rancho Cucamunga Police Department. I know what some of you are thinking: Xavier Holland, could you possibly have that mix of experience and wisdom that made us love Andrea so much? Let me put it this way: no. But what I do have is a fresh-faced, wide-eyed wonder that would put Ric Townes to shame. You see, I am a freshmyn (which, if my source is correct, is the proper gender-neutral nomenclature). Which means that the entire college etiquette scene is new to me. Back in high school, the homework was due every day, the parties were sober, and the girls were interested in nothing more than holding hands. Well, not really. But the only people I had to worry about cramming into my tiny bed during high school were my cat, Mr. Nibblesworth, and my stuffed animals, Pedro Chang and Morgan Santana. Now, I have entirely new issues to worry about: is it inappropriate to ask a nocturnal visitor to sleep on the floor? If not, should I give her a pillow? Is it just me, or does the phrase “nocturnal visitor” sound like a euphemism for wet dream? But I digress. The important thing is that college is an entirely different ballpark, and unless you keep your nose to the grindstone and your ear to the ground, you’ll find your shots blocked before you had a chance to get into the endzone. And then it’s time to hit the cold showers and resign yourself to another night spent playing Pokémon.

One of the first things I noticed about college is that all of your boundaries have to be self-set. In high school, there are parents, teachers, youth group leaders, taxi drivers and short-order cooks to prevent you from getting your swerve on. In college, there’s nothing but your conscience and possibly your roommate to keep you from doing the naughty whenever you have a spare five minutes. It’s important to learn what you’re comfortable doing, and not let your partner or the tequila now sloshing uncomfortably in your stomach sway you. Also, as much fun as having all the sex you want might be, let’s not forget the real reason we’re at college – sports and academics. So if your sex life is inhibiting something important, like your intramural inner-tube water polo team’s chances of making the play-offs, or that 5 page French paper you’ve been putting off all weekend, it might be time to cut back a bit.

Different also: You live with your classmates. While you might think it’s cool to scamper off to the cuddle cup in your hall wearing nothing but an impish grin, the people playing Taboo outside your door might not be of exactly the same mind. This especially goes for roommates. No roommate wants to walk in on you and that floozy you picked up at Harwood Halloween (where she was dressed as a Sexy Fire Hydrant) doing the squelchy. Hopefully.

Relationships seem a lot longer: Especially for me, since I went to an all-boys high school and saw girls on a weekly basis. But even lucky few who went to high school with girls, there were built in parameters to how much interaction on could have with a particular girl or four. Now, between three meals, between classes, after classes, snack, and aim, the potential for interaction is nearly limitless. And if you’re anything like me, that can be a lot. Don’t be afraid to completely ignore your significant other for days at a time while you stay in your room eating Easy Mac and watching Internet porn. Just say you’re having some guy time. She’ll know what you mean. If she’s anything like the girls I know, she’ll be caring and sympathetic, and probably doing the same thing. J/K friends! You should actually find a happy balance between completely ignoring her and being joined at the hip.

Sex is pretty much everywhere. Whereas in high school, one had to seek it out, in college, the campus is pretty much drenched in sex, especially on weekends. But even if you didn’t have sex on the dance floor of the foam party like my friend Rob Bryan, you don’t need to feel bad about yourself. Don’t feel pressured. Actually, it wasn’t at foam party. And it wasn’t on a dance floor. And he didn’t have sex. But you get the point, which is: It’s there if you want it, but you don’t have to take it.

I hope that this column could at least be of some help to all of you young birds, anxiously flitting around in search of bees, or flowers, or even other young birds. But now, I have to take this call from the Rancho Cucamunga Police Department.