stand up

I just figured out how to get back into this blog, so I’m going to post a bunch of stuff pretty soon. This standup is kind of a work in progress.

Alright, how are you guys feeling. By a round of complete silence, how are you guys? Excellent, this is going to be a good show. I’m a lazy guy. What can I say. I’m not ashamed. Most of the progress in the world was made by people who were probably lazy. Take fire. Fire was probably discovered by some lazy caveman who didn’t want to freeze to death, but wasn’t willing to get up and go inside his cave. The wheel was definitely a lazy person. “I want to move…but, I don’t want to stand up.” Religion? Had to be a lazy person. Some lazy guy must have thought, “I want to take advantage of and rob people, but I only want to work once a week…” Everything is lazy people. Porno magazines. Invented by a person who was too lazy to even come up with his own fantasies. Some other guy took it further. He invented the Internet. That’s the height of laziness. “I know I don’t have a job, or a girlfriend, or a car, but fuck turning pages. You know whose not lazy? Terrorists. Lazy people are never terrorists. They’re never serial killers either. Or stalkers. Like those pedophiles who stalk the little children? Stalking takes work. It’s tough to find the perfect twelve year old to stalk. You have to wait outside schools, ice cream parlors. You have to make up elaborate lies just to get around the kids…you have to waste valuable time and money building a fucking Neverland Ranch. Actually, it used to be difficult. Now they even made that easy. There’s a group, most of you have probably heard of it. The North American Man Boy Love Association, or as it’s known for short, uh, Myspace.

I’m in favor though. You hear all these coaches and commercials and announcers talking about separating the men from the boys. I think it’s good that finally there’s a website that brings them back together. I don’t want you to think that Myspace is just for 35 year old men to find young boys to stalk. There are plenty of girls on Myspace too. It’s got everything a weirdo could want. It’s like a WalMart for pedophiles. Even better. They don’t even have to leave their houses anymore. It’s fucked up when you can even pedophiles can do their shopping online. You can get good jobs being lazy. The best jobs, in fact. Look at a lot of high-paying, high profile jobs. CEO’s, entertainers – they work like eight or nine months a year. Hell, some of the best jobs work only three or four months sometimes – actors,…athletes…presidents. The one thing guys still had to work for was getting girls, and now Facebook made that easy too. All you have to do now is type in Scripps, and most of the work is done. Now I’m not saying that all Scrippers are easy, just, you know, the girls.

I can’t make these sorts of jokes anymore though, I have a girlfriend, have had one for a while now. Things kinda slow down after a while the fire is gone. You know the fire is gone when your girlfriend catches you cheating, and rather than being mad, she’s just relieved she had a night off. But we go out sometimes though, to little restaurants. I call her up and suggest we go to this or that place, then maybe back to my room to “hook-up”. But she complains sometimes, as everybody does. But one time it was just ridiculous. She just went off once. So one time she says, “I don’t know, the service is terrible, the menu is unappetizing, and the portions are tiny.” So I tell her, it’s fine we can go to a different restaurant. She says, “ no, the restaurant is fine, I was talking about the hookup”. And I wasn’t even insulted, because it meant I had the night off. That’s how lazy I am.

I have had jobs before though, I’m not entirely lazy. I used to babysit. But even that I kind of half-assed. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really pay that close attention. Once I was holding the kid when I went in the kitchen for a drink, and wound up getting mixed up. Yeah, I wound up vigorously shaking the kid, and molesting the orange juice. It was ok, though, we both wound up fine and ended up taking a nap. Although, now that I think about it, we probably should have put our clothes back on before his parents got back. It was a good nap though. I’m a big fan of the nap. But sometimes it’s not appropriate. Like during class, or meetings, or funerals, or sex. I took a nap during sex once. But hey, in my defense, she had already been sleeping for an hour. I know what some of you are thinking: wow, an hour, that’s not bad, at least he’s got more stamina than I expected. What I failed to mention was that 55 of those minutes were spent trying to unclasp her bra. I guess I’m just more used to training bras. She didn’t wake up at all though, which is kind of a miracle. What can I say. She needed the sleep. The combination of schoolwork, and extracurriculars, and dating me, and roofies…Some of you saw that joke coming. That’s because some of you have woken up at CMC before. Date rape is serious though, it’s not a joking topic. Girls, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistically speaking, both of those people will date rape you within the next six months. The only way to avoid a possible date rape charge is to get the appropriate form signed and faxed to the Office of Campus Intergendered Affairs for approval within five minutes of hooking up. That, or letting me watch. I’m not trying to influence you to do one or the other, but the Office of Campus Intergendered Affairs doesn’t actually exist. I know what you guys are thinking; where are all of my faxes going then? They’re all going to Tom from Myspace.